People describe business people as cold and lacking emotions. The classic Christmas story by Charles Dickens, “A Christmas Carol,” is a prime example of an emotionally stunted person who needs a supernatural intervention to live a better life. My personal and professional experience is different. I have witnessed fits of rage, emotional breakdowns, and plenty of narcissism. Technology features numerous emotional highs and tragically deep lows. When people base their identity and ability to support a family on work, you cannot help but get emotional. As an agile coach or leader, it is up to you to deal with your own emotions and the emotions of others. Let us take some time to discuss it.
A common phrase you hear in any office is, “Don’t take it personally; it is just business.” Ironically, this line comes from gangster movies from the last fifty years. I firmly believe that business people should be better than typical gangsters. Many people depend on business to feed their families and provide themselves with a sense of self. It entangles the personal and professional, which are bound to have emotional implications.
In her book “Radical Candor,” Kim Scott talks about the emotional work of being a leader. She emphasizes that you should care personally about the people who work with you. Additionally, it would be best to challenge people directly by praising and criticizing when necessary. Both praise and criticism should come from a place of genuine concern for the people you lead. It is a skill that does not come naturally, but it will take your agile skills to the next level with practice.
The most challenging part of being in a leadership role is dealing with your own emotions and how they affect the team because pressure can build up in the office, and it creates one of four reactions; fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. Our evolutionary legacy has taught us to react to danger with a fight instinct or a flee response. Running away from trouble is always an intelligent course of thinking when escaping. Fighting is also natural when we think we can overcome the danger. You can see the flight response when people do not want to see or speak to you in an office. A person who picks fights is a typical response to danger, and so to create a better working environment, you need to help remove the threat from a situation so you do not trigger a fight or flight response.
The fight or flight response happens when the power dynamics are roughly equal. When there is a big difference in power, fawning and freezing happen. When someone is scared, that person will freeze. The response allows the person to access danger and the stillness acts as a form of camouflage when someone is threatening them. I see this happen all the time in meetings when an executive asks a question. Everyone freezes because they want to provide an answer which will please the executive. The fear is that they will be punished or ostracised if they give a wrong answer—situations like this demand psychological safety, and people are allowed to speak. A messenger with terrible news should never worry about getting shot.
The fawn response happens when someone decides that false flattery is the only way to deal with someone creating a perceived danger. Fawning is a way to advance within an organization or deflect attention. In reality, it is manipulative and an example of toxic relationships in the workplace. The leader being fawned over will crumble at any sign of adversity, and the person doing the fawning will lose respect from their peer group. Being charming and cute is an excellent short-term strategy, but fawning behavior will undermine credibility in the long term.
If you witness any of these behaviors, it is clear that the office environment does not have psychological safety, and you need to address it. Business is personal. People do feel strong emotions at the office. As a coach, it is up to you to create an atmosphere of psychological safety because if you do not, people will exhibit fight, flight, freeze, or fawn behavior. It is better than living like a gangster.
Until next time.
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