Monday, March 20, 2017

Rage is when I am most vulnerable

Don Quixote got nothing on me.
Being a scrum master is a hard job.  It includes plenty of early meetings and late nights.  It is a life filled with stress.  Sometimes, there is a payoff when the customer is happy, and the software is in production.  Software development is a messy job.  Inevitably that dirt rubs off on people especially the scrum master.  Cleaning off this grunge has an emotional toll and this week I would like to talk about it.

As a scrum master and agile coach, I am a big believer in the idea of servant leadership.  The Marine Corps saying, “Ductus Exemplo,” is starting to become slang among business executives.  It is a fantastic concept, and I strongly support it.  The hardest part of being a servant leader is the everyday realities of being in charge of complicated software projects and managing people who are equally messy.  The mask of command and professionalism falls away, and you become vulnerable which for a leader is dangerous.

This danger of vulnerability means your raw nerves are exposed, and your emotions are controlling you rather than you controlling your emotions.  Losing emotional control means you will say things you should not and do things impulsively without thinking them through.  It is a dangerous place to be and one which can undermine your leadership credibility.

I have to confess that the above situation happens to me more than it should.  I become a fountain of rage at times.  In particular, when confronted with an individual who refuses to be accountable for their conduct I become a character from a Robert Louis Stevenson novel.  I get angrier when I spend time coaching someone, and they ignore my direction.  It makes a person feel like Don Quixote jousting with windmills.  The reward for your trouble is getting knocked off your horse and the laughter of by-standards.  Getting up and dusting yourself off to do it again looks stupid and futile when you have to do it with weekly regularity.

So here I am at my most vulnerable, filled with rage, feeling like a failure and believing the effort is futile.  These feelings can be fleeting, or they linger.  It is the worst when you are alone in bed trying to sleep, and the vulnerability is thicker than the darkness in the bedroom.

Like any leaders, I have to deal with these emotions and the emotions of my team.  It is not easy.  The rewards are fleeting. I promised myself that when I became a business leader, I would try to be firm, fair, and inspire others.  I fall short from time to time, but I still aspire to that ideal.  I have no choice; it is a promise I kept to myself and to the people I serve.  People depend on me.

Until Next time.